To be forgiven is such sweetness that honey is tasteless in comparison with it. But yet there is one thing sweeter still and that is to forgive.
C.H. Spurgeon
Fatherless
The romantic melody began to play and filled the air with a soft tune in the lush and green garden where her guests awaited. On cue, the bride began her descent down the aisle. The people gasped and marveled at her captivating beauty, her pure white gown glistened in the sunlight.
Although the father of the bride was present at the wedding, the bride walked alone. There was no one at her side to escort and give her away. This was determined by choice.
You see, a long time ago, Trinity’s father gave up this right over a selfish impulse, like Esau who sold his birthright merely over a bowl of soup. He had walked out of his marriage and his family for another woman without thinking of the repercussions of his actions that would cost him later. The pain he caused his family was unspeakable, even traumatic for the youngest members.
In time, Trinity’s father came back repentant, and her mother took him back. But the damage that was done to his children’s hearts was already irredeemable. He had lost all respect, love, and authority over his children. So tragic that something so invaluable was carelessly discarded over a fleeting impulse.
So Trinity marched alone as though she was fatherless, knowing that her father didn’t deserve that place by her side to walk her down the aisle. This once-in-a-lifetime chance her father lost forever.
The Dangers of Unforgiveness
Trinity is just one of the countless women and adult children who have been unimaginably hurt by their earthly fathers. For many, Father’s Day has lost its meaning and no longer holds any value. This day could stir up painful memories for some, allowing for bitterness to take root.
However, although the horrid actions of our fathers should never be taken lightly, I am here to say that unforgiveness in our hearts, if left untreated, can cause more damage to our already fragile hearts. Like cancer slowly spreading, it can later cost us the quality of our lives… and inevitably our souls. The only way we can experience freedom and healing is when we choose to forgive.
I too have experienced the pain of a father walking out on the family. In the aftermath of my father’s actions, anger, bitterness, and resentment held my heart captive for many years. I was so desperate to find any godly mentor who I could confide in and receive comfort and encouragement from, but I found very little help.
“The only way way we can experience freedom and healing is when we choose to forgive.”
But God’s Word holds true in weak moments like these if we allow our pain to chase us deeper into His arms. Although our earthly fathers forsook us, our Father in Heaven will receive us (Psalm 27:10). We must be careful not to relate to God in light of our deeply flawed earthly fathers. Rather we should relate to our earthly fathers in light of who God is. When human paternal love falls short, we fasten ourselves to the unfailing love of our heavenly Father. Here are just a few of the promises of a powerful and loving eternal Father. May it be a blanket of strength and comfort for you as it was for me:
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.
Deuteronomy 33:27
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
Psalm 91:1
I wish forgiveness was an easy step-by-step formula we can follow. But for many of us, forgiveness is impossible in the face of such abuse, neglect, and abandonment. However, here is what I found to be true: only Christ can set us free from our pain and resentment and enable us to forgive.
4 Practical Steps to Overcome Resentment and Choose Forgiveness
Here are 4 practical steps I can share that has helped me choose forgiveness for my father.
1. Ask for God’s enabling grace to forgive your father.
We talk glibly about forgiving when we have never been injured; when we are injured we know that it is not possible, apart from God's grace, for one human being to forgive another. - Oswald Chambers1
I have known thrice over for this to be true, that it is impossible for me to forgive without God’s enabling power. I have felt deep emotional pain from a grievance that was so smothering, it was physically difficult to breathe. At times I grit my teeth and tell myself I forgive, I forgive! I swallow the pain and I swallow hard and do my best to cope and move forward, only to encounter something later in the day that reminds of the horrible act and at once all the hurt comes flooding back in.
It was only when I admitted to God that I was incapable of forgiving and asked for His grace to enable me to choose forgiveness that I finally found freedom from my pain and resentment.
Meaning of Grace
For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them - yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. (1 Corinthians 15:9-10, emphasis added)
Most of us understand “grace” to mean God’s unmerited favor. However, a closer study of scriptures reveal a deeper layer. “God’s grace” refers to the enabling power of the Holy Spirit that fills us and equips us to accomplish a task we normally could not have done on our own.2
In 1 Corinthians 15:9-10, Paul was referring to a supernatural power that was with him that changed him and enabled him to be the apostle that he is. It was that same power that empowered him to work harder than all the other apostles.
According to the Enduring Word Commentary, David Guzik wrote:
He was a changed man, forgiven, cleansed, and full of love wen he used to be full of hate. He knew this was not his own accomplishment, but it was the work of the grace of God in him.3
This sounds all too familiar to me. Because of our fathers’ sins, we became full of hate. But by God’s grace, He changes us. He removes our hate and replaces it with His love. Only through Him, can we learn to fully forgive.
Forgiveness is Supernatural
It is this very same grace that has empowered victims to forgive their abusers, empowered parents to forgive the murderers of their deceased children, and empowered husbands and wives to forgive their cheating spouses. And it is the same grace that can enable you and I to forgive our fathers.
Author and christian speaker Nancy Leigh Demoss wrote:
Yes, forgiveness is supernatural. Yes, it's something only God can do. Yes, it is far beyond our flesh-and-blood ability. But if you are a child of God, you have been infused with the same power that He "worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead" (Ephesians 1:20) - think of that! That means you have His limitless power within you - supernatural ability to extend forgiveness for "unforgivable" offenses. By His enabling power, you can forgive others with the very grace and forgiveness that you have received from God for your sins.1
2. Remember we are also sinners.
Unforgiveness is Sin
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)
We have to call unforgiveness what it is: sin. As difficult as it may be, withholding forgiveness is disobedience to God’s command. As mentioned earlier, if unforgiveness is left untreated and is allowed free reign in our hearts, it will bring us down a path of defiance that will ultimately cost us our souls.
Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is an act of faith.1 Don’t allow your feelings to dictate and rob you of your life. Step out in obedience and choose forgiveness, and God will supply you with His grace to forgive.
We Have All Sinned Against God
In Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus told of a parable about an unmerciful servant. To paraphrase, His story told of a merciful king who forgave and canceled the debt of a servant who owed him “ten thousand talents” (millions of dollars). Later, that same servant found one of his fellow servants who owed him “a hundred denarii” (a few dollars). Instead of showing mercy, he threw the servant in prison until he could pay off his debt. When the king found out what he had done, he was furious and determined that his fate should be the same – imprisonment until “he should pay back all that he owed.”
“Unforgiveness can bring us down a path of defiance that will ultimately cost us our souls.”
DeMoss commented on this story in her book Choosing Forgiveness: “One ‘talent’ was equal to about twenty years worth of wages for a normal laborer – so 10,000 talents would be 200,000 years’ wages… a debt that could not be possibly repaid in many lifetimes!”1
Unless we have clean hands and a pure heart, we cannot stand before God (Psalm 24:3-4). Last time I checked, not one of us is perfect. We have all sinned against God. We have all committed idolatry and adultery in the deepest spiritual sense whenever we have loved anything more than God.
What we owe Christ for our sins is infinitely more than what our fathers owe us. So in remembering the state and depravity of our souls before Christ redeemed us, we should be compelled to choose forgiveness for those who have grieved us.
3. Take every thought captive.
Some years later, when I had chosen forgiveness for quite some time, memories of my father’s betrayal started subtly coming back without me realizing it. Instead of immediately dismissing these memories from my mind, I allowed myself to dwell on them and to remind me of the pain I had once felt.
Soon, I became paranoid of my father, and I started to doubt his intentions even though he had been reunited with my mother and was walking with God for quite some time. A wall of mistrust once again stood between him and I. I was convinced that it would only be a matter of time until he would abandon my family again.
Then God, in His gently way, showed me I had given Satan, the enemy of my soul, a foothold by allowing myself to meditate on past sins. It says in Ephesians 4: 26-27 to not give the devil a foothold or “opportunity” to sin by “…holding a grudge, or nurturing anger, or harboring resentment, or cultivating bitterness” (AMP). In other words, I had given the enemy access to my heart by allowing my mind to dwell on the past.
We must learn to recognize these thoughts for what they are – assaults from the enemy. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says to “take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” When these mental attacks come, we should immediately dismiss them from our minds, not giving them another thought.
4. Run to God’s Word when dealing with insecurities.
Rachel, in her younger years witnessed some intense fights between her parents, where at times they escalated to physical violence. Although she was never physically harmed, the trauma left emotional scars, and she now struggles with anxiety attacks and feelings of abandonment.
Our fathers shortcomings can have negative long-term effects on our lives, and they can manifest in forms of insecurities, anxiety, depression, and other disorders.4 For me, my insecurities would lead me to doubt in two ways: if I’m not guarded, at times I’ve questioned my husband’s love for me and God’s love for me. Will my husband abandon me as well? Does God even love me? Looking back, these questions seem very illogical now. But in times of vulnerability and weakness and when we give the enemy an opportunity to harass us, these feelings seem very real.
But He is faithful to give me His Word. When I felt irrational fear over my marriage, He spoke to me through Psalm 23:6, and His promise became real to me like never before:
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.
One night, when I just felt I needed God to tell me He loved me, He gave me John 15:9
I have loved you just as the Father has loved Me; remain in My love [and do not doubt My love for you].
John 15:9, AMP
As I read those words, hot tears filled my eyes. His Word is living and active! If we run to God’s Word, our insecurities will fade away, and we will be secured in His everlasting arms.
Final Thoughts
I was enjoying a homemade meal one night at the home of my husband’s grandparents. As I reclined on the couch, my eyes caught sight of a blue pen laying on the floor. “Burnett Engineering” was etched onto its surface.
This family line bore three generations of engineers and men with high intelligence. A smile crept upon my heart. This family also bore three generations of faithful men who have fiercely loved their wives and family and have sacrificed endlessly for them. Surely God has brought me into a family of loyal men.
“Don’t let unforgiveness hinder the blessings God wants to pour into your life.”
A distant memory flashed in my mind, and a scene from my younger years came to life. When young love was budding between Michael and I, I had nonchalantly asked him, “If I became paralyzed,” I began, almost teasingly, “would you still love me?”
Michael locked eyes with me intensely, “I could never leave you,” he said holding my hand in his. “You are on my every thought.”
At that moment, I knew he meant it with all his heart. And 11 years later, he has proved it to me. It’s not because he is perfect. It’s because God’s grace continues to prove him as a faithful and loving husband and father. I’m thankful beyond measure that I am set free from the power of unforgiveness in my life that I can enjoy these gifts He’s given me daily.
So don’t allow unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness to rob you of your life. Don’t let it hinder the blessings God wants to pour into your life. A buffet of God’s grace is available to you! So take a huge portion and choose forgiveness.
The glory of Christianity is to conquer by forgiveness.
– William Blake1
NOTES
1 Demoss, Nancy Leigh. Choosing Forgiveness. Moody Publishers. Chicago, 2001.
2 Other scripture that speak of grace as the enabling power of God are: Acts 6:8, Romans 12:6, 1 Corinthians 15:10, 1 Corinthians 3:10, 2 Corinthians 9:8, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Hebrews 13:9, Ephesians 3:20, 6:10, Colossians 1:29.
3 Guzik, David. “1 Corinthians 15 – The Resurrection of Jesus and Our Resurrection.” Enduring Word. Goleta, CA. https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/1-corinthians-15/. Accessed 17 Jun. 2022.
4 The National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.). Effects. Retrieved 18 Jun. 2022. https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/complex-trauma/effects
