When Dating Becomes an Idol

Jesus Christ gave everything for us, and He is worthy of our everything in return.

Leslie Ludy

“And this is Michael, Jaymee’s… boy… friend?” a ministry staff member stammered to a colleague, looking at me questioningly.

I chuckled at his attempt to pinpoint Michael’s relation to me. A group of us arrived early at a church to prepare for a ministry outreach. I knew that sooner or later, others in the group will be wondering about us as well.

Were we an item? Were we boyfriend and girlfriend? It must’ve been frustrating that we were not making it obvious!

The truth was, we were together once. But then everything changed.

When You Love Too Much

In my previous blogs, I began to recount my love story. When Jesus Christ renewed my life in high school and gave me new hope and purpose, He impressed upon my heart His will to wait for my future husband. When we did meet (my future husband and I), we presumed to date like everyone else did, not realizing God had wanted us to surrender every bit of our lives including our relationship to Him.

So I share my story now not as someone who has done everything perfectly but very much imperfectly. Michael and I have both felt the pain of loneliness and the burning desire to have a companion by our side. We have experienced the excitement of falling in love. And we have also experienced that a love and a passion, when not confined or restrained within its proper boundaries, can grow into an uncontrollable flame that leads to sin and idolatry.

We are commanded in Deuteronomy 5:8 to not make for ourselves an idol or an object of worship. To better understand what idolatry is to our western mind, Pastor John Piper defines an idol as “anything that we come to rely on for some blessing, or help, or guidance in the place of a wholehearted reliance on the true and living God.” In other words, an idol is “anything in the world that successfully competes with our love for God…”¹

So yes, I believe we can love our boyfriends or girlfriends too much that our dating relationships hinder and even replace our focus and affections for Jesus Christ. And when we do, he or she becomes an idol in our lives.

Caught in a Sinful Pattern

We knew what it was like to eagerly desire to please God in this area of our lives and yet miserably fail time and time again. The guilt, the hypocrisy, and the secret double life we found ourselves enslaved in weighed heavily upon our shoulders like a crushing weight of a five story building. Yet it was this desperate situation that caused us to turn to the only One who can save us from our sinful way of life.

We know that there are many of us who have made sexual purity commitments and yet easily walked into relationships that became a snare. There are many of us who were not taught to trust God with our love stories or to wait for our future spouses. There are many of us who were not taught that purity is much more than an abstinent commitment – a line that shouldn’t be crossed – until it was too late. Some of us have rushed into marriage, hoping that in so doing, our guilt and shame will be resolved only to have it end up in gut wrenching heart break.

And so I share our story that others may be encouraged and find hope in the One Savior who paid it all. If you are walking this road, dear reader, know that there is grace and power available for you at the foot of the Cross. He paid too high of a price for you to continue to be enslaved to sin. He came that you may have life, an abundant life victorious over sin (John 10:10)! After I share my story, I offer practical steps in my next blog that can help you find victory in Christ.

Michael and I

The Turning Point

Growing up, the idea of waiting for my future husband was unheard of. I believed that in order to find your soul mate, you would have to date around until you found “Mr. Right”. I had mentioned before in a previous blog that being a PK (pastor’s kid) meant I had to abide by stricter rules when it came to dating. My parents felt that to provide necessary protection for their children was to enforce an age restriction on dating which was 18 years. I had despised their restrictive rule then, but years later I would come to be thankful for it. It was a barrier of protection, not a prison, from the harsh world of dating that could easily have taken advantage of a naive, ignorant, and emotional pubescent girl. Nevertheless, as soon as I had gotten the green light, I was eager to carry out my dating plan until I found my Mr. Right.

But God, full of mercy, used my troubled teenage years to grab my attention. In the a midst of a deep valley, He met me there, and I found my redemption in Christ. This was the turning point when He began to mold and shape my life.

At this time, I learned the notion of waiting for my future husband. Ignorantly, I didn’t think that God would be interested in my love story. But He very much was. So I prayed for the first time, Lord let the first person I date be my future husband. However, even after I turned 18, I still had little understanding what sexual purity was nor was I even close to knowing how to guard it in my life. How I had wished I had someone in my life who had taught me that purity was much more than just an abstinence commitment.

When He Walked Into My Life

He had asked me to be his date for the Senior Ball dance. I couldn’t believe that after years of being sheltered from the opposite sex, I was actually going to have a date for a school dance! Shortly after, Michael asked me to be his girlfriend. (Read how we first met here) We had graduated high school hand in hand, so glad to have met each other before this chapter of our lives ended.

Being the first boyfriend allowed into the family (my sisters had not yet turned 18), my father made a conscious effort to share with Michael the Gospel. I also shared with him what God had done in my life. God worked mightily in his heart, and he came to Christ. What a privilege and a rapturous joy it was to witness the sacred moment when my dad baptized him on a bright summer day. For Michael, a new adventure was about to begin.

I can recall the tender moment when we both knew it. The memory is still fresh in mind like it was yesterday. On a warm quiet summer day, Michael and I sat down together on the couch in my family living room. We were listening to a Christian worship CD and a particular song came on. It sang of the powerful sacrificial love of Christ. Then, overcome with gratitude in my heart, tears began to well up in my eyes. I immediately brushed them away but the tears kept coming. To my surprise, Michael was in tears himself. The feeling was mutual. We had found each other. He took me into his arms in a grateful warm embrace. Right there, I knew that God had answered my prayer.

When Dating Becomes Idolatrous

Fresh out of high school, we were two teenagers falling madly in love with each other. After turning 18, I heedlessly believed I now had the freedom of enjoying a dating relationship. The only thing that guided our affections was my abstinence commitment. I knew of no other guidelines when it came to dating and sexual purity.

We began to see each other everyday. Every waking moment I had to be with Michael. He became my world. I remember blushing and quickly retreating into my house after we shared our first kiss. Although it was a sweet experience at the time, little did we know we had just opened the door for sexual temptation to come flooding in.

Years earlier, I had read a Christian dating book which described what sexual foreplay was. It forewarned that holding hands, cuddling while watching a movie, kissing, and any other physical touch beyond that prior to intercourse was all sexual foreplay. I remember shutting the book and throwing it over my shoulder, thinking that was extreme. How could just holding hands and cuddling be sexual foreplay? How I wish I heeded this warning. We lacked guidance, and we lacked accountability. We were carefree and careless. We insisted on dating in our own way just like everyone else did. Before long, I had become so wrapped up in my love and emotions for him that Michael had become my idol.

Trapped in Sin

Little by little, I did notice our physical affections were progressing and becoming stronger. A kiss, like mentioned in the book I read, became a powerful bonding agent that left the body wanting more and more. Before I knew it, we were getting closer and closer to that boundary line. Although we had never crossed it, I felt we had already crossed it in our hearts.

We became stuck in a cyclical pattern of compromise, getting dangerously close to breaking my promise of waiting until marriage. We were flooded with guilt and shame every time we came intimately close, yet we were powerless to stop the recurrences. We continued to attend church and were even active in ministry. Yet I felt myself growing further and further away from Christ as we secretly sank deeper into a double life.

My guilt, my tottering faith, and my conviction weighed so heavily on my shoulders that I became desperate. I felt spiritually sick, and I wished there was a “spiritual hospital” that I could be admitted to.

The “Hospital”

A discipleship conference² was to take place one weekend in the month of June, I had heard. The speakers were Christian authors I respected, and I thought this was my one chance to go where I could get help. So I signed 4 of us up – Michael, my brother, my sister, and myself. If only I knew that my life would change forever.

Our plane landed in Denver, Colorado. We were shuttled to a beautiful private mountain getaway in Estes. Everything about it was serene and peaceful. We were greeted with such warmth from the staff, and I could immediately sense that there was something different with the young women there.

They glowed, and their smiles were so radiant. Their passion for Jesus was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. They were like apples of gold in settings of silver. Their light exposed all the more the sin that was in me.

A Lady and a Gentleman

There, I met a young woman around my age. She had discreetly disclosed to me that one of the men on staff was to be her future husband. I gave her a suppressed delighted squeal.

As I observed her closely, it impressed me how different their conduct was around each other. She certainly didn’t act like a normal girlfriend would. She didn’t talk to him on the phone constantly everyday. She wasn’t entangled in his arms or shamelessly showing public displays of affection. In contrast, every interaction she had with him was honorable and dignified like the way of a lady with a gentleman. I now know what made them so different from any other couple I knew: Christ was at the center of their relationship.

A Night of Prayer

In the audience of 30 young men and women, we sat glued to our seats, our ears adhered to the messages delivered. We were immersed in pure, unadulterated sound doctrine for three days. God’s righteous Laws were laid out before me, and my soul trembled at how terribly unworthy and unholy I was before my holy King.

One night, the attendants all gathered together in a lecture room for an evening of worship and prayer. As we proceeded into the night, many of the people became troubled in their hearts over the spiritual challenges in their lives and began to cry out to God in prayer. Hidden in the midst of them, I felt the destitution of my own soul. In a desperate plea, I cried in my heart, God I admit defeat! I cannot live the Christian life You desire on my own! O Lord You have to save me or I will perish! So please do it in me now!

That night, some thing in me died, and something came to life.

A New Beginning

The Surrender

The memory of the discipleship conference that summer month of June, although it came with wonderful experiences, is a memory marked with pain and great difficulty. It was when I came to the foot of the Cross. My old life of sin had to die that Christ may live in me (Galatians 2:20).

When I returned to my suburban home in California, a cross awaited me. I could not call myself a Christian and remain the same. Something had to change. God now impressed upon my heart His will to surrender that which was most precious to me: Michael. Just as Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac, God was asking me to willingly sacrifice my relationship with Michael for the sake of Christ.

To follow Christ was not for the faint of heart. It would cost me everything. Jesus says in Matthew 16:24-25, “If anyone wishes to follow Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

And in Matthew 10:37 He says, “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.” This verse can also very much mean, “If anyone loves boyfriend or girlfriend more than Me is not worthy of Me”. Christ was to have preeminence in my life. He gave up everything for me; is He not worthy of my everything in return?

So by God’s grace and with many tears, I surrendered Michael to Christ even if it meant we would never marry or if He separated us for good.

The Promise

The feeling was mutual. God’s Spirit was working in Michael in a similar way, and I could feel the tears in his eyes. He too must hand me over to Christ in complete trust and obedience.

We both agreed to stop seeing each other. Many people didn’t understand our decision. Some thought it was too extreme. But the message of the cross is foolishness to the world (1 Corinthians 1:18), and many will think of your actions to be foolish. But what matters is obedience to Christ.

On the final day, Michael phoned me one last time. He said there was no one else for him but me.

“I will wait as long as it takes until it is His will for us to marry,” he promised.

Walking in Victory

Everyday was now different. I learned to walk daily with my King. The power of sin in my life was gone, and I was set free! I was now free to intimately know and love the Beloved of my soul.

The Word of God was refreshing and it became a delight to study my Bible for hours at a time each morning. Now that I was available to God, I was about to embark on an adventure He had planned for me.

Joy Abounds

God naturally directed my steps to be involved with a college campus ministry widely known across the country as Campus Crusade for Christ (Cru). He began to cultivate a passion within me to reach the people in my generation. In His divine way, He led me to the right group of people whom I worked along side with to reach international students in particular.

I found myself participating in and leading activities I’d never imagine (or even considered) I’d do. I volunteered to set up tables and booths to recruit students at Club Fairs on campus. I brought free lunch for ESL (English Language Learners) students in the cafeteria and helped them practice their English. I held interfaith dialogue meetings with world religion students to share my faith and discuss differing world views. And God gave me the privilege to meet several students from around the world and learned of their unique personal stories by attending conferences and small ministry outreach events.

It was truly such a thrilling spiritual adventure that has blessed, challenged, and stretched me in many ways. A Cru staff once said that one effective way to spread the Gospel worldwide was to reach international students.

During one of the conferences, I gathered with the college students for a time of worship. As I sang together with brothers and sisters in Christ, tears of joy began to flow freely from my eyes. Never before had God felt closer, and never before had I felt such joy and fulfillment until this time in my life. Truly, a life hid with Christ can bring greater joy and satisfaction than dating relationships can.

Past Habit

As he continued his studies, Michael also utilized his gift for music to start a Christian band called Past Habit. His life became busy with studying, testing, band practice, worship leading, and music concerts. At times, our paths would still cross such as when our ministry on campus needed someone to lead worship, or when his band needed assistance to prepare for a concert as one of my siblings was a member of his team.

Our new situation didn’t mean we weren’t talking to each other. Rather, Michael had become a brother to me, and he treated me as he would a sister. We remained focused on the tasks God had called us to do each day. If our paths crossed on a particular day, we were thankful. Christ was now at the center of our relationship.

New friends at Cru were confused about us and wondered if he was my boyfriend. Still a few others picked up on our story.

“Your relationship with Jaymee changed my life,” a close friend confided in Michael. It was the first time he encountered anyone who sought to glorify God in this area of his life and was not entangled in an impure relationship with his girlfriend.

What an encouragement that was to hear. We knew it was only because we had surrendered our relationship to God that He was able make our situation a blessing to others.

The Proposal

The Acceptance Letter

Michael knew that before he could pursue marriage, he had to be able to provide. So he endured the long and difficult prerequisite classes required to be considered for a nursing program. The nursing programs offered at the local community colleges were highly competitive and acceptance was determined by lottery. The odds to get in the first time was 200 to 1. We’ve heard of others who have applied multiple times yet still had no luck. Others have enrolled in expensive private universities to be registered in a program.

Michael sent in his application to a 2-year nursing program at Sierra College in Rocklin, CA. and then committed the matter to God. One night, he dreamed he had walked to the mailbox with his mother. They found the acceptance letter he’d been hoping for, and his mother cried tears of joy.

Sometime later, Michael did receive a letter from Sierra College. Inside was the very answer to his prayer: an acceptance letter for the Class of 2010 Nursing Program. His mom reacted the exact same way in his dream – she cried tears of joy.

He took this as a sign from God to take the next step.

A Christmas Morning I Will Never Forget

The Christmas morning of 2008 was the Christmas that changed our lives. I had been invited to spend a special early morning Christmas with Michael’s family as was their usual family tradition. At 5am, Michael was at my door, suspiciously wide awake with anticipation and barely able to hide his excitement. Still trying to rub the sleep from my eyes, he drove me to his family’s home.

We entered into his living room which was beautifully adorned with Christmas lights. Strangely, none of his family members were up yet.

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“Oh, they’re not up yet.”

With a piping hot coffee generously supplied in my hand, Michael grew quiet as he sat next to me. It had been more than a year since we surrendered our relationship to God. He was now given the permission to open that door once again. After holding back for a long time, he allowed his emotions to flow freely as he verbally expressed his love for me still. He had sought God’s will and my father’s permission, and now he explained that it was finally the right time for him to take the next step.

My heart began to pound widely inside my chest. Both of us were in tears as our affections were awakened and rekindled once more.

Then he knelt on one knee before me in humility, my eyes widening in shock. He pulled out a small velvet navy blue box from his pocket, and presented a ring inside.

“I love you. Will you marry me?”

With full-blown tears pouring down my cheeks, I could hardly verbalize a yes! And he embraced me again in his arms for the first time in a long time.

Suddenly, Michael’s parents, brother, and sister rushed into the living room and showered us with cheers and flashes of photography.

“Congratulations!” they cried. To my embarrassment, they had been awake the whole time, anticipating and eavesdropping for Michael’s big moment.

I reflect back to this moment like an unforgettable dream. I remember looking down at my hand, adorned with an elegant sparkling engagement ring. I must have pinched myself several times to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I was now his fiancé!

It was the best Christmas present I’ve ever received.

Becoming Mrs. Burnett

The Engagement

In the morning I sat on my desk during my quiet time practicing my new signature in my journal. During my classes on campus, I scribbled “Jaymee Burnett”, “J.Burnett”, or “J.B.” in my fanciest cursive handwriting in the margins of my notebook. I wore my engagement ring proudly and practiced hand gestures that purposely flaunted my ring. Oh, how my head was in the clouds!

The length of our engagement was 2-and-half years – the length of time it took Michael to complete his nursing program and find a job. It was a long engagement but we busied ourselves with the work God gave us, Michael with his clinical studies and occasional concerts, and me with college and ministry.

Reflecting back, I’m thankful for the time we spent apart. That period laid the proper spiritual foundation we needed for our marriage. Sexual temptation was no longer an issue. Physical boundaries were carefully placed, and we had decided to save kissing for our wedding day.

God’s Amazing Provision

Shortly after Michael’s graduation in the winter of 2010, an RN position at a local hospital awaited for him as soon as he passed his NCLEX, thanks to connections we had at church! But a more crucial question had to be tackled next: where would we live? So I began to pray that God would somehow provide us a place to live after our wedding.

In perfect timing, Michael’s grandparents had bought a house in our hometown to be near family. However, they needed to rent it out since they were still living in Colorado. It was decided that Michael would be the tenant and I was to join him shortly after. Everything was falling into place by God’s amazing faithfulness. It was as if God was setting the stage in preparation for our new life together. Before I knew it, it was already time to start planning for my big day!

I Do At Last

The months went by, and I remember painstakingly counting down the days until I can finally say, “I do!”

Finally, June 17th, 2011 arrived.

It was down to the final hours before my life would forever change. The thirty-minute drive to our wedding venue felt like the longest half hour drive of my life. Upon arrival, I managed to slip into the bride’s quarters without being seen by the groom. Everything else afterwards progressed like a dream as if I was watching someone else’s dreams come true. Casual conversations filled the air. Sweet and anxious laughter was contagiously exchanged. Bridesmaids scrambled about dawning on their sky-blue dresses, slipping on silver shoes, adorning themselves with makeup, hairspray, perfume, jewelry, and flowers. Close friends and family sneaked in for a peak and gave good wishes. Flashes of candid photography peppered the entire affair.

Then we were down to the last minutes.

The sanctuary was now filled with our guests. Music filled the air and the procession began. I watched anxiously as our wedding party disappeared through the curtains in pairs, one by one. The first song ended and our chosen song began to play. On cue, the guests arose to their feet. It took everything in me to keep my trembling under control. With my arm on my father’s, the curtains parted and we stepped through the threshold.

With every pair of eyes upon me, I felt lost in the sea of faces until finally my eyes fell securely on the smiling face of my groom, waiting for me at the altar. We made it to the end. We finished the race. I joined him at the altar, he held my hands in his, and our hearts were full of joy and bursting with excitement.

In the middle of the backdrop, positioned between us was a brown wooden cross that hung on the wall. I’m reminded of all that He had done for me. Today, I wore white. And it wasn’t because of anything that I had done but because of what He had done on the cross for me. He paid the costly price with His very own life that He may clothe me with His purity and to present me as a pure and spotless bride.

Our vows were spoken in the presence of beloved witnesses and, ultimately, our Heavenly King who renewed and purified our love story. In the conclusion of our ceremony, Michael and I exchanged the words, “I do.”

“Michael, you may now kiss the bride,” my father said at last. With liberty, we leaned in for the kiss… and it was so worth the wait!

NOTES

¹ Piper, John. “What is an Idol?” Desiring God. https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/what-is-an-idol. Accessed 10 July 2022.

² This conference was hosted by two of my favorite Christian authors Eric and Leslie Ludy who today leads a discipleship school called Ellerslie. https://ellerslie.com.